Over when it’s over…?

How do you know when to call it quits? How do you know it’s the right thing? How do you assure yourself you aren’t making a huge mistake? Or are you making a mistake by staying?

I know marriage can be hard. It’s hard to think about someone other than yourself. Hard to consult someone on every decision you make. But when does hard become too much? I know making any relationship work takes effort. Whether it’s a friendship, dating, marriage, all of it requires some effort. But at what point do you say enough is enough? From my point of view, marriage is exhausting. It’s a constant battle to not throw my hands up, say I quit, and walk away. It wasn’t always like this, so why is it now?? 12 years together, 9 married, and 3 kids later and I’m ready to run for the hills. We were very young when we met and started dating (19 and 16). And yes we had my parents blessing and were very closely watched and restricted as far as dates go. Right at a year in, we were engaged. 2 years, we had our first baby. 3 years, married. 5 years, baby number two. 6 years, bought our first home. 10 years, foreclosure and baby number 3. And now at our 12 year mark, I want out.

I can’t place the blame all on him. I know I’m not the easiest to handle. I’ve grown and changed so much in our relationship that I know what I do and don’t want out of life. And boy this isn’t it. Honestly we have both changed so much and as much as I want to say we have grown together, it’s just not the case. Do I love him? Absolutely! He does have his amazing characteristics. He can still melt my heart at times. How can you not love someone who you have 3 beautiful children with?

To aid in my urge to run from my strained marriage, his mother is the tip of the iceberg. (Or maybe the whole damn iceberg) Alot and I mean ALOT of our struggles stem from her meddling in our relationship. Oh, can’t forget his sister and all her help in the situation. They claim that our youngest daughter isn’t my husband’s child. Unless I’m the flipping Virgin Mary and immaculate conception occured, she’s his child. In everything science proves, you have to have sex with a man for a child to be conceived and if you have only had sex with one man ever in your whole sex life, then the child is his. It’s absolutely infuriating. (A little back story) my place of employment is the biggest rumor mill EVER! His sister and I temporarily worked together. I had a male coworker who had a reputation for sleeping around. He and I were teamed up to work together. So then comes the rumors that he and I are sleeping together and that I even had an affair with our insurance agent. (Where that comes in to play, I have no idea.) A year and a half later after my husband’s mother and sister accuse me of all this, I learn that they have told his entire extended family, so now everyone looks down on me.

Already struggle with anxiety and depression? Let’s just pile on the drama and rumors. My husband doesn’t believe the rumors. Mostly because we suffered a miscarriage when our second child was 2 and it took us 2 more years to decide to try for baby number 3. He says I should just ignore it all and let it go. But how do you let something go that cuts you so deep? How do you allow people, who are supposed to love your child as much as you do, to say such horrible things about your child. One that you love so much and prayed so hard for. How are you supposed to let them think so poorly of an innocent child? Even more than all that, how do you allow someone to say those things to and about your wife and child? How are you so ok with it? If the shoe was on the other foot, you better believe I would have stood up for my family. No matter who it was making those claims. I honestly don’t think I could give a person time of day, not just for saying it, but for believing its truth when it’s not and telling the whole world that it’s fact.

All the drama is just too much. Some days it gives me the motivation to run like hell and never look back, kids in tow. Maybe one day I will get up the courage to say to hell with it all and walk away. But I’m still stuck with the dilemma of when is enough, enough? Or too much? Maybe it’s just over when it’s over.

Anxiety and depression

Unfortunately I suffer from both. Some days are better than others, but some days it’s an absolute struggle to function.

I get asked often “What do you have to be so sad about?!” It’s not that I have anything to be sad about. My mind just seems to focus on the negative of any and all situations. Some days the littlest things send my anxiety into a whirlwind and all I can do is sit and cry because I can’t find relief for my mind. My mind finds the worst case scenarios in everything.

Then there’s good ol depression to go along with the anxiety. I’m not sad. I am beyond blessed in so many ways I wouldn’t know where to begin to tell you all of it. I struggle to feel happy. Not that I feel sad. But mostly I feel empty. Like I lack fulfillment for no particular reason.

There’s not a thing “wrong” with you. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. There’s nothing wrong with taking medication to help. I do and it does help. It’s not some magical cure but it helps calm my mind and racing heart and enables me to be my best self. I was at a low point where I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to be around anyone (husband and kids imcluded), I just wanted to be alone and to sleep even though I couldn’t seem to sleep, ever. I would wake up at night in a panic and sweating. I’d have to get up walk around, have something to drink,only to lay back down and toss and turn. It really put a strain on my relationships.

If you feel any type of way that you don’t think is right, ask for help. Please just ask for help. You don’t have to suffer alone or in silence. Talk to your doctor, friend, family, significant other, or even me! Reach out. Medication doesn’t have to be a forever, it can be temporary. You don’t even have to use medication. There’s therapy, exercise, a new hobby, whatever helps you be your best you.

What is a CNA?

CNA- Certified Nursing Assistant. The individuals who take care of elderly, disabled, or hospitalized people. Who aide nurses, doctors, and therapists to ensure quality of life for those who aren’t able to do for themselves.

I’ve heard “us” called over paid a$$ wipers and so many other negative things. But let me tell you! We are the ones who care for your family when you can’t or even won’t. We feed, dress, and bathe them daily. Hold their hands when they are scared or worried, hug them good night, and the first to tell them good morning. We are their listening ear and shoulder to cry on when needed. Yes, we do have to assist with bathroom duties, but you know what? I’d much rather do that than see someone suffer and be miserable simply because they aren’t able to do for themselves or have lost control over bodily functions.

There isn’t a thing in the world wrong with having to place your loved ones in a nursing home or assisted living. Caring for someone who needs constant care is exhausting. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Most of the time it is the safest place for them to be. Not because you aren’t capable of doing what they need but because there is a well trained team there to look after them. The weight of caring for them isn’t on just one single person. There are also MANY safety precautions in place to keep them as safe as possible.

I have worked in long term care aka a nursing home. And still currently do PRN (as needed). I have literally watched someone take their last breath, watched some slowly decline, some decline so fast I would never have expected their passing. I’ve clocked out and sat in my car and cried, I’ve excused myself from rooms for being on the verge of tears. We love your loved ones just like they are our own family.

It’s not all horrible, worst case scenarios. I’ve played cards with a patient with dementia and had absolutely no clue what we were playing. But the patient had the biggest smile and kept telling me I won. It made their day just to have someone to spend time with. There are fun activities for them to do. They do arts and crafts, have social gatherings, people come in to play music for them, they get to go on outings almost weekly. And they absolutely LOVE kids and babies.

It takes a person with a big heart and an enormous amount of patience to be a CNA. I know many, many people with this talent and so very thankful that I do. I never understood what it took to do this job until I got there and actually did it. So if you’re a CNA, LPN, RN, patient care tech, PCA, therapist of any sort, housekeeper, dietary aide, or someone who keeps things going smoothly and safe for these people, I thank you and you are amazing!

The stereotype of a SAHM

There’s the theory about stay at home mom’s… that they have all this free time, spotless homes, and flexibility in schedules. Let me be the first to say it’s NOT true!

Free time?! I have a toddler who requires more attention than my other two ever did at this age. My day consists of wrestling an almost 2 year old. Looking after all our animals, which seem to be multiplying faster than I can seem to keep up. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, taking the 2 older kids to school and their before and after school routine in its entirety. Trying to keep up with the tasks my husband asks for me to do for him because he works so much he rarely has a free minute to attempt any of it. It’s a constant go, go, go.

Spotless home? HA! I can clean from daylight to dark every single day and it wouldn’t change a thing. But I do it (with lots of groans and mumbles). Some days my anxiety gets the best of me and I won’t clean a single thing and put the laundry off until the last possible second. Folding and putting away the laundry it almost non existant in my home. If your family is like mine we wear the same handful of things over and over without a thought of what else may be hiding in the closet.

Flexible schedule? What’s that? My schedule is pretty set. Up by 3:15am to make sure hubbs gets off to work on time and has what he needs. Back to bed to toss and turn until 6:45-7, then time for the kids to get up for school. Breakfast, teeth, backpack check, out the door by 7:45. Off to school, back home to feed the animals, breakfast for the baby and myself. Then on to the housework and/or errands that need running. Lunch for 2. More cleaning, nap time, finally 5 minutes to sit down. Short lived the dog needs to go out, laundry needs switched around, nap time is over, now its snack time and time for the big kids to get home from school. Homework, play time, then time to cook supper, baths, a little TV, then bedtime routine. The never ending cycle.

I hear all too often that stay at home moms have it made. To the extent of being able to have all this time with your kids, yes absolutely. But I have been the working mom as well. It’s all hard. It’s all challenging. One is not easier than the other. But great blessings in their own ways. It’s a blessing to have a job and a good paying and rewarding one at that these days. It’s also a huge blessing to be able to stay home with my kids, to have a husband who sacrifices what little time he has with his kids to work more hours and longer days to make a living for all of it to be possible. So before you’re so quick to judge and say “Oh she’s got it made” or “She must be doing something she shouldn’t to afford to not work” try to see all the sacrifices made. There’s more times than not that things are tight financially and another income would be amazing. It’s not always what it seems. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world because my kids are my world.

Let me tell you about my best friend…

My best friend. My ride or die. The one who holds all my dirty secrets, who I call or text to have a vent session. Or just to catch up with each others life events. We do this thing we call “mom dates”. We meet up, have lunch, and talk. Kids are almost always involved, whether it’s all our kids or just one or two. We have even met up to have a vent session while grocery shopping! She is also a SAHM (stay at home mom). But she’s so much more than that. She’s actively involved in so many activities I’m not sure I could tell you half of what they are. This girl though has a heart of gold and the best listening ear. She’s never shamed me for mistakes or my parenting style, and totally understands when I have days I struggle. Struggle with being a mom or wife or just with life in general. Sometimes I feel like I need to put her on payroll just to listen to all the craziness in my life. She’s someone who would drop everything just to be there for me or even my kids. She may not know it but she truly makes my life so much better by simply being her and being my best friend. We are alot alike in things we like to do, taste in music, clothes…. we even have the same goal for our children, to not raise little a$$holes. If that rubs you the wrong way or offends you then we aren’t meant to be friends. We don’t mean it in a negative way by any means. We just want our kids to be humble and kind. To know AND practice right from wrong. And to be respectful. Our friendship may be simple but it’s one that has lasted from elementary/middle school all the way to adulthood. We have gone months and months without talking, moved away, came back, been through major life events, and pick up like we talk every single day. The best friendship I could ask for. One that isn’t demanding and one of understanding. So if you have a best friend or don’t (it happens and nothing to feel bad about) I hope it is someone who is as amazing to you as she is to me. And if you don’t I hope you find someone you can build that relationship with.

Until next time….

A little bit about me…

I’m Emily. A mom of 3, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, CNA. I have many titles but my favorite is Mom.

I have 3 absolutely amazing and beautiful children. 2 daughters and 1 son. My oldest, daughter, is 9, my son is 6, and my sweet baby girl is 23 months. My oldest daughter reminds me so much of myself. She’s a total daddy’s girl and always jumps at every opportunity to do anything with her dad. Anything from hunting and fishing to working on vehicles. My son, the only boy. He’s my wild child. Always full of energy, questions, and information. He likes to do things at his own pace. And he has the biggest imagination. My sweet baby girl, my last baby. We said we were finished having kids after our son but 4 almost 5 years later we decided to try again and were blessed with our little girl. She is the sweetest, always taking care of others. But don’t be fooled by the sweetness she is so full of sass and attitude. Little miss independent.

My husband… he and I have been together for 11 years and married for 8. He’s my high school sweetheart. My best friend, my rock, and worst enemy all in one. I don’t mean enemy in a negative sense, just that he and I can and do butt heads like none other. He is the main provider for our family and I am forever grateful for that! He has given me an opportunity that most moms don’t get these days, the ability to be a stay at home mom and raise our children.

Daughter, sister, Aunt… I am beyond blessed with the best parents. They may not have been able to hand me life on a silver platter but I think they did one better. They spent time with me, gave me the determination to achieve anything and everything I want in life. They taught me life lessons that money can’t give you. We (my siblings and I) never did without something we wanted though. Even if it meant my parents wants were put on the back burner. I even call them daily. To rant, cry, or just say hi. Sister… that was my biggest role in life until I became a mom. 2 brothers and 1 sister. Sadly my sister is the only one I have a relationship with. Which to be 100% honest is mainly my fault. (It’s a work in progress). Aunt… that’s one I don’t take lightly. I love my nieces and nephews just like they are my own children. I’m not always able to make it happen, but I try to attend every sports event, school activity, or anything else they are involved in, that I’m able to. My kids aunts do the same for them. I think kids need a big support system and sometimes an aunt can give you advice that goes straight to your heart when your momma said the exact same thing, it just didn’t sink in. I’ve even recently been upgraded to the “great aunt” title. Even though the girl I consider my niece is no relation to myself (blood, marriage, or other wise) I still love her and her precious new baby just the same.

Friend… let me tell you about my best friend! Just not right now. CNA… we will save that for another time because I will have to get my soapbox out for that subject.

Until next time….